Then, after only a few minutes of football, Gareth Southgate’s bullet-riddled army have advanced to the quarter-finals against Switzerland in Dusseldorf next Saturday. 

Jude Bellingham saved England with a spectacular overhead kick against Slovakia.

Bellingham levelled for the Three Lions with barely seconds left.

The goal sent the game into overtime and motivated his team to win.

Harry Kane scored the winning goal early in extra time.

Jude Bellingham’s incredible bicycle-kick equaliser forced extra time, and Harry Kane’s header took the lead 53 seconds later.

This was an exercise in rescuing victory from the jaws of absolute tragedy.

Because England performed poorly for 95 minutes. Truly horrible.

They had not managed a single shot on target and would have deserved to lose in the last 16 to a 45th-ranked team in the world.

Southgate endured this filth show for an hour before making a single substitution.

There were so many stunning performances that it’s hard to understand why he didn’t want to reshuffle his group.

He had witnessed 11 top footballers appear to forget how to play the game without turning to his bench, England’s long-doubted in-game management as poor as ever in his 99th match in charge.

If England do not drastically improve their game when Harry hits his century next weekend, they will be defeated by a very useful Swiss team.

Phil Foden, the Footballer of the Year who never really does it for England, was especially awful, straying offside for a tap-in that should have brought the Three Lions level early in the second half.

Ivan Schranz’s first-half score had put England on the verge of a defeat as humiliating as Iceland’s in 2016.

Being in Germany for the previous two and a half weeks, there was an overwhelming sense that there was a tournament going on, that goals were being scored and joy was being had, but that England was not really a part of it.

Southgate looked less anxious than most of us, naming ten of the same eleven players who had started all three group games.

Kobbie Mainoo began in place of Conor Gallagher, as he should have from the start, but it was the only alteration to the team.

Slovakia had upset Belgium in a VAR-infested opener but had failed to build on that one shock success, finishing third in their group.

Nonetheless, England quickly established themselves as world-beaters.

Kane returned home to cap an incredible comeback.

England’s goals sparked wild celebrations among Gareth Southgate and the England coaching staff.

Marc Guehi, who was cautioned against Slovenia, dragged down David Strelec following Kieran Trippier’s hospital ball.

Strelec went near with the subsequent free kick, but Kyle Walker lost control to David Hancko, who cut inside and fired narrowly wide of the far post.

Mainoo was booked for a lunge in the Slovakian penalty area, and Bellingham scythed down Lukas Haraslin, resulting in three English yellow cards in 18 minutes.

Bellingham was undoubtedly more engaged than in England’s previous two games – Trippier scored from a clever diagonal pass – but that tackle smacked of desperation.

Walker was having an utter nightmare, constantly missing the ball and looked like he had borrowed someone else’s legs.

England received a stark warning when Haraslin slipped through and had a shot blocked by Guehi before Trippier urgently scrambled away.

Slovakia quickly gained a well-deserved lead. Guehi, who was suffering terribly, misplaced a header, John Stones backed off, and the outstanding centre-forward David Strelec slotted a pass from Schranz past Pickford.

Southgate’s team lacked quality throughout the game. It was shapeless and panicked. England lacked intelligence, speed, and the ability to pass to one another.

The front three were horrible, with Kane ponderous, Foden lost, and Saka completely ineffectual.

And the back four were possibly much awful.

Only Mainoo, a 19-year-old making his tournament debut, was getting any credit, and the Manchester United player had a shot deflected wide shortly before halftime.

Surprisingly, there were no halftime replacements.

Nonetheless, England believed they had levelled four minutes into the second half, with Kane’s diagonal cross for Trippier slicing open the Slovak defence, but when the full-back centred for Foden to tap in, the Manchester City player was strangely offside.

It was brainless and typical of England’s performance in this competition.

Warming up for this subject, Walker delivered a short free kick to Stones, who was not looking, and Strellar lobbed Pickford from 45 yards out, but his shot went narrowly wide.

It was like seeing 11 men have a collective nervous breakdown.

An hour had passed and there were still no England substitutions. The boos started to fall down.

Finally, Southgate substituted Cole Palmer for Trippier, with Saka moving to left-back, a position he had previously claimed he did not want to play.

Palmer provided a fantastic cross that Foden could not head home.

Kane fired a clear header wide from a Foden free kick, while Rice slammed a long-range shot against the post.

But in the 95th minute, England was reduced to tossing into the mixer, which worked magnificently.

Guehi headed on Walker’s long throw, setting up Bellingham’s spectacular attempt – England’s first shot on target.

England took the lead in extra time after only 53 seconds.

Toney, who had replaced Foden immediately before the equaliser, got a free kick that was cleared to Eberi Eze.

Toney shrewdly headed the Crystal Palace player’s miscued shot across goal, allowing Kane to nudge across the line and cause chaos among England’s astonished fans.

Slovakia hadn’t died yet. Peter Pekarik, their tongue twister, missed a two-yarder just before the change of ends.

Southgate then took a chance by replacing Kane and Bellingham, bringing on Ezri Konsa and Gallagher, and switching to a back five.

But England held on for dear life. The lucky boys.