Elon Musk Buys ABC and Appoints Tucker Carlson as CEO to End ‘Woke’ Media Mentality

In yet another head-scratching move, Elon Musk, billionaire tech mogul and self-proclaimed defender of free speech, has decided to buy ABC and shake things up with none other than Tucker Carlson as CEO. Why? Apparently, because according to Musk, the media landscape needs to be “saved” from the ever-looming threat of “woke culture.”

Musk, who has single-handedly transformed Twitter into a haven for free speech (and occasional chaos), is now taking his mission to the world of broadcast television. In his latest attempt to fight the forces of “wokeness,” he’s decided that what ABC truly needs is a no-holds-barred, take-no-prisoners approach to “real news” – and who better to lead the charge than Carlson, a man who has built a career on stoking division and doubling down on controversial takes?

Musk, speaking in his signature cryptic fashion, remarked, “The woke media is in crisis, and only a man like Tucker can bring us back to the truth.”

Carlson, who has always prided himself on being a voice of reason in an age of ‘hyper-liberalism,’ has yet to respond publicly to the announcement. However, sources close to the former Fox News host suggest he’s already planning to revamp ABC’s programming, which could include segments on why “cancel culture” is the real epidemic, and how being offended is now the greatest form of victimhood.

As for the rest of the media world? Well, they’re shaking their heads in disbelief. Is this a masterstroke, or the latest in a long string of Musk’s unpredictable business moves? Only time will tell. In the meantime, don’t expect any more feel-good, progressive content from ABC anytime soon.

Stay tuned for updates—if you dare.