In a stunning new policy aimed at keeping things… well, upstanding, the New England Patriots’ head coach has decreed that knees will no longer be tolerated during games. Yes, you read that right. Knees, the joints that have been crucial in human mobility for millennia, are now officially on the chopping block for Patriots players.

“If anybody kneels during a game, they’re banned,” the coach declared, with all the seriousness of someone about to outlaw elbows next. The players stood there in stunned silence, wondering if this would be the final straw that drove them to switch sports to competitive ping pong, where their knees could thrive in relative peace.