Guy Fieri, the spiky-haired chef and self-proclaimed “Mayor of Flavortown,” is now brewing up a new venture, one with a distinctly patriotic flavor: “Patriot Brew,” a line of “woke-free” coffee shops set to open exclusively in red states. Promising “no lectures, no politics, just coffee,” Patriot Brew will go head-to-head with Starbucks in cities across Texas, Tennessee, and Florida, bringing customers a caffeine fix that’s as bold and outspoken as Fieri himself.

“People are tired of being told how to feel with every sip,” Fieri said in a recent statement. “They just want good coffee without a side of politics. That’s where Patriot Brew comes in. We’re here to give the people what they want: freedom-fueled coffee and zero agendas.”

Fieri, who’s made a career out of celebrating greasy spoons and heartland comfort food, sees Patriot Brew as a place where folks can grab a coffee without any “side orders” of social messaging. With drinks like the “Freedom Roast” and the “Stars & Stripes Cold Brew,” Fieri plans to cater to a demographic that’s increasingly skeptical of what he calls the “overly curated, overly caffeinated experience” of mainstream coffee chains.

“Our coffee is for the everyday American,” Fieri explained, “the kind who’s not looking for a lecture in a latte or a political message in a macchiato. We’re here to serve coffee with a little bit of respect for tradition and a whole lot of flavor.”

Each Patriot Brew location will carry a menu designed to avoid what Fieri describes as “the trend-chasing nonsense” of Starbucks. Forget pumpkin spice and unicorn lattes—Patriot Brew is all about simplicity. “We’re serving coffee that tastes like coffee, not some overpriced dessert,” Fieri said, grinning. “It’s for folks who want to start their day with a jolt, not a lecture.”

With its red-state exclusivity, Fieri’s concept takes direct aim at coffee culture’s current landscape. Patriot Brew will roll out in cities like Dallas, Jacksonville, and Nashville, with interiors themed after Americana: rustic wood, American flags, and vintage signs. Think diners-meet-coffee shops, minus the Wi-Fi and the wall of inspirational quotes.

Instead of traditional café lingo, Patriot Brew will offer a lineup of straightforward options. “We’re serving real coffee, the kind that would make John Wayne tip his hat,” Fieri said. “No hand-harvested, third-wave beans here. Just strong, honest coffee for strong, honest Americans.”

The menu also steers clear of plant-based milks. “We’ve got one milk option, and it’s from a cow,” Fieri laughed. When asked about the lack of almond, soy, or oat milk, he shrugged, “We’re here to serve coffee, not host a dairy-free taste test.”

The food offerings will reflect the same straightforward philosophy, with hearty breakfast sandwiches, Texas-style brisket breakfast tacos, and something called the “Freedom Fritter”—a deep-fried delight that’s set to become Patriot Brew’s flagship pastry. “We’re not here to count calories. We’re here to count flavor,” Fieri said with his trademark enthusiasm.

The move comes after Fieri reportedly experienced what he called “overwhelming coffee-shop exhaustion” at a Starbucks, where he felt surrounded by “a wall of awareness.” According to Fieri, customers are increasingly looking for spaces where they can enjoy coffee without encountering “political agendas and rainbow-colored cups.”

“For some folks, the coffee shop is their sanctuary. And for others, it’s where they want to escape all that noise,” he explained. “I’m giving people that place—Patriot Brew is for those who want to take a break from all the ‘extras’ and just enjoy a good cup of Joe.”

While some critics suggest that a “woke-free” coffee shop is a statement in itself, Fieri insists his intentions are purely about providing options. “It’s not anti-anything,” he said. “It’s just pro-coffee, pro-choice in a way. People should have options, and right now, I think the simple option is missing.”

The announcement of Patriot Brew has stirred a predictable reaction online, with both applause and criticism flooding social media. Supporters are thrilled, seeing the concept as a refreshing change of pace. “Finally, a place I can get coffee without being asked if I want to ‘make a difference,’” one Twitter user wrote. “It’s about time someone remembered that coffee is supposed to wake you up, not preach at you.”

But not everyone is on board with Fieri’s latest venture. Some critics argue that labeling a coffee shop “woke-free” is its own kind of political statement. “If you’re against messaging, doesn’t branding yourself as ‘woke-free’ kind of send a message?” one Twitter user questioned. “Seems like just another gimmick to me.”

Even some coffee aficionados are skeptical of the concept. “It’s funny, but it feels a bit forced,” one barista from Seattle posted. “Just give me good coffee and skip the anti-woke marketing. It’s still a political stance, whether they admit it or not.”

For Fieri, however, the mixed reviews are just part of the package. He’s quick to point out that Patriot Brew isn’t meant for everyone. “I’m not out here to please every person on Twitter,” he said. “We’re here for the folks who want a cup of coffee without any strings attached. If you like your coffee with five pumps of hazelnut and a side of enlightenment, that’s cool—Starbucks has got you covered. But if you want a place where the coffee is strong and the vibe is simple, we’ve got a seat for you.”

Beyond just serving coffee, Patriot Brew will also be a “community hub,” according to Fieri. Each location will feature “support local” programs, promoting nearby farms, suppliers, and businesses. Fieri emphasized that his coffee shops are meant to be local mainstays, not “cookie-cutter corporate franchises.” “We’re about coffee, community, and country,” he added.

Whether Patriot Brew ends up a hit or just another experiment in Fieri’s long list of culinary ventures remains to be seen. For his fans in red states, however, the concept is a breath of fresh air in a market that they feel has become overly politicized. With plans to expand to more cities depending on the initial reception, Fieri seems confident that he’s filling a gap in the coffee landscape.

“People just want a good place to grab a coffee and go about their day,” he said, shrugging. “We’re not out here trying to change the world. We’re just trying to serve a solid cup of coffee that respects the American tradition.”

Whether it’s a bold new approach or just a marketing tactic, Patriot Brew has certainly stirred up a lot of buzz. And as the first locations start pouring cups of “Freedom Roast,” one thing’s for sure: Guy Fieri’s coffee venture will have people talking, and possibly sipping, for a long time to come.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.